By Michael Ferrera

According to some poster I saw on a bulletin board, 71 percent of Macalester students had between zero and one sexual partners last year. Hooray for monogamy? What’s this statistic saying exactly? I may be way off base here, but I interpreted the poster to mean that the Macalester administration wants the student body to be more sexually active with more sexual partners. It’s as if Macalester’s version of Uncle Sam is pointing at you, but instead of mandating you enlist in the armed services, he’s mandating things which are unmentionable in this publication.
I decided to take my questions to my bro, B. Rose (known to you as President Brian Rosenberg).

I walked over to B. Rizzle’s house and opened the door without even knocking because, well, we’re just that close. So I plop myself down on the blue and orange leather La-Z-Boy, pop open a non-descript Cola from the fridge and cruise the channels for a while waiting for my man Breezle to return from whatever he was doing. Did you know there’s a new Real World/Road Rules challenge called The Duel? Just as TRL ends, Brian “Pete ‘Charlie Hustle’ Rose”enberg walks through the door and we greet each other with our secret handshake. I’d tell you what it is, but I’d have to kill you.
“Roses are red,” I say to Macalester’s Executive Branch. “What’s up with these posters telling me about sexual partners?” The Commander-in-Chief then proceeds to tell me that it’s all part of Macalester’s grand new plan. Apparently we Macalester students aren’t fulfilling some sort of quota for Ivy League schools. I know, I know, but now that we’re considered an Ivy we need to meet this apparently very important quota, and have a secret society of really rich people that will one day become President…and a lot of really rich people to fill the society. So myself and Every Rose Has Its Thorn formulate a plan to help remedy this situation. And Macalester, I have two glorious words for you. Speed. Dating.
Oh yeah, that’s right, we went there. Ever seen The 40 Year Old Virgin? Well, if you don’t want to be one you better hop on the speed dating bandwagon. That 29 percent has been supporting the rest of us slackers for way too long. Just imagine sitting in 10k at a little table as 20, 30, 40, ∞ possible sexual partners are paraded in front of you in the span of an hour. The drawback is that we need to renovate 10k for this little brainchild of mine and when I do something, I do it right. So, the Fieldhouse isn’t going to be renovated until late 2009. Sorry athletes, but this school is finally getting its priorities straight, and by “priorities straight” I mean that at the end of this renovation 10k will have non-carpeted walls, a state of the art entertainment system, and solid gold tables. After a short bidding period, the $50 million contract was awarded to Ferrera and Sons Inc.
After enough speed dating the Macalester campus will finally be the den of sin that it needs to be. $10 million has been allotted to expand Winton and currently the administration is in negotiations with Trojan to be the official condom of Macalester College, as long as we change our name from the Scots to the Scottish Trojans (You can thank me for the Scottish part. In this time of rampant corporate sponsorship I believe that all organizations should be able to keep their identity without having it hijacked by corporate sponsors. It was very fateful that the founders of Macalester College were actually Scottish via the Aegean Sea).
This time next year, Uncle Sam will be looking at you and congratulating you with his point of the finger. You will have mastered the opposite sex and the number on those posters will have fallen to zero percent, and maybe even go into the negatives if we’re lucky enough. A proud day for Macalester indeed. You will be able to flirt without forming any sort of meaningful relationship and you will be able to manipulate the opposite sex into a no strings attached sexual relationship. Isn’t that what we’re all looking for?