TJPJJ can’t help but trip on his older brother’s coattails (WHICH HE RIDES). Pumpkin spice had a 2014 campaign that you’ll be telling your grandkids about in 60 years (if we’re still living on Earth), which gave the younger brother pumpkin Joe-Joe an immeasurable advantage heading into this tournament. Then Peej showed up to Thanksgiving dinner with half his hair shaved off and some dude named Tony C who wouldn’t shut up about his burgeoning improv career and his mom’s proclivity for Ritz crackers. Needless to say, PJ was no longer the golden child we all thought he was. So what now? How do we judge this character? What do we do with a failing pumpkin spiced treat in a year when pumpkin spice reigned supreme? We bury him. Forget about him. Don’t invite him to your progressive. Trader Joe’s Pumpkin Joe-Joes is wanted for treason in 38 states and Guam, and we should treat him as such.
She’s the much less basic cousin of the pumpkin spice. Coy and sefless, she’ll be the first one to your birthday party, heck, she’ll have set up the whole affair. She’s the girl next door, your best friend with the tissue box after that break-up, the purveyor of baked goods and endless embraces. Curling up with some Pride and Prejudice and a cup o’ chai, she’s hopelessly low-maintenance. Her drawback—she’s not a smart cookie (get it, cookie?). Her lack of street-smarts gets her in some pretty sticky situations where her punchable face gets what it had coming. She’s a most distinguishable by the freckles saturating her nose and her computer background—puppies in woven basket (which she’ll remind you she didn’t take). When it comes down to it, she wears Uggs.
This tepid young treat is that best friend that you always wanted to be your boyfriend who was once your best friend but is now your boyfriend but still best friend in a subordinate way to the role of boyfriend. You know? BFs over BFs, right ladies? He’s like that archetypal guy who goes to prom in an overly convincing fish suit and you want to be the Dory to his Jaws. I believe it was Sandra Bullock that once described him as “excessively equestrian.” But who am I to partake?
This spicy lady packs quite a punch. Unlike her subpar friends who rely solely on their historic popularity, this newbie would be welcome in my home any day of the week. Not only is she always down to frolic in the changing leaves, she also is the first to whip out that good ol’ fashion hot chocolate mix on a chilly night. She has always has the dopest, thrift shop, worn by granny, quality, damp smelling, chunky knit sweaters that she got for a dollar, OR LESS! Walking down the street, if you see her you are bound to notice her grace and sass, and you will instantly know this kid is crackin’. Come rain or shine, she is ready with a pan of fresh snickerdoodle cookies and fogged up glasses, ready to cuddle in front of the newest episode of New Girl. She sure is a keeper!