Do you balk at the notion of non-human objects touching your genitals? Do you hear whispered tales of trysts with electric toothbrushes and wonder what all of the fuss is about? Do you think “dildo” is a lesser-known species of an extinct bird? You’ve come to the right place! This week: an introduction to the limitless world of sex toys.

Let’s start basic for any newcomers. A vibrator is a sex toy that, as you may have guessed from the name, vibrates to elicit sexual pleasure. Depending on how complex the technology, there are often a variety of different speeds which the user can choose. Vibrators can be pleasurably used on many different parts of the body, but often the “intended target” is the clitoris. Non-penetrative surface pleasure is the realm of the vibrator, though many are designed so the user can comfortably insert the toy into a variety of body cavities if they so choose. Popular iterations include the bullet which is shaped — you guessed it — roughly like a bullet. Bullets can often be inserted comfortably into orifices of even complete penetration beginners, due to their small size. The Hitachi Magic Wand, which you may have heard of before, is the quintessential sex toy that has been powering orgasms for decades (since 1968 in the United States!). Probably not recommended for insertion unless you’re really ambitious, but why would you need insertion when you’ve got 2013’s “Favorite Sex Toy” between your legs. Other spicy variations include vibrating penile rings (discussed below), remote vibrators designed for multi-player fun and vibrators/dildos specifically designed to find the g-spot and/or prostate.

Dildos are sex toys, which may or may not vibrate, that are designed for insertion into the vagina (or anus, but see disclaimer below) with the goal of producing sexual pleasure. Some designs are purposefully phallic in nature and are designed to mimic the look and feel of an erect penis as closely as possible. Others are purposefully anti-phallic and designed to reject the mere connotation with an erect penis. Most fall somewhere in-between with a focus on a size and shape that will produce the most pleasure possible. As discussed above, some dildos vibrate and/or have a bulbous curved end to target the g-spot or prostate. Strap-ons are a type of dildo that users can strap onto their own (usually penis-less) genital area and penetrate someone else with ease. Some state-of-the-art strap-ons are designed to vibrate against the body of the user according to the movements of the thrusting, thus producing sexual pleasure for both parties (ideally). Other options for dildos include double-ended toys which can insert into two orifices simultaneously, “strapless strap-ons” which insert into the body of the user instead of being held in place by a harness and dildos designed to stimulate the clitoris as well as the g-spot by vibrating on two fronts.

Penile rings, often referred to as “cock rings,” are sex toys designed to wrap around the base of the penis in order to slow blood-flow and keep an erection for a longer period of time. Some users wrap the ring around the scrotum as well as the penis, again for heightened pleasure and a feeling of “engorgement.” Sometimes there is an element of domination and submission in this type of play, but often rings are simply used to hold an erection long enough to bring the other person to orgasm. Rings can even be used as a medical device to help with erectile dysfunction disorders. Some vendors offer vibration for extra stimulation of both the user and the user’s partner(s). If you’re interested in this type of play, do your research and invest in a ring that has good reviews. Improvising a ring out of whatever you have lying around the house is a capital-B Bad Idea and can result in serious medical emergencies.

We’ll end our introduction to sex toys with good ol’ buttplugs, which are toys designed to be inserted into the anus. With a slightly different design from dildos, buttplugs can be differentiated by their flared base which prevent them from being sucked up into the body like a delicious meal. Dildos that are designed for insertion into the vagina and not the anus have the possibility of getting stuck up there, especially if you’re relatively inexperienced. Buttplugs come in all shapes and sizes and some vendors even offer bulk packages of various widths so you can work yourself up to the bigger stuff. Like most other sex toys, they can sometimes vibrate too, though they’re not as common as vibrating dildos. Anal insertions can be nice no matter if there’s a prostate up there or not thanks to those expansive clitoral wings that I’ve written about previously (check the archives online!). Remember not to move toys directly from orifice to orifice, as anuses can have harmful bacteria that can cause infection in the vagina and STIs can be a risk no matter which orifices are involved.

Questions? Comments? Curse words? Email me at [email protected] but remember that it won’t be anonymous